You're just cruising along--it's not perfect--but it's moving in a direction of some sort. You're not even sure sometimes where you're headed, but you may have a destination in mind. Then something changes. Focus is unclear. Momentum is lost. You may not even realize it's happened until weeks later.
That's where I feel like I am lately. Everything seems a little out of focus. Even the joy of writing has become less joyful for the moment. I still like writing, mind you. It's just that...well, there's this undercurrent of minor chaos all around me. I've written about some of that recently. With a busy day job that requires a lot of mental energy, lately I don't feel like I have much left when I return home in the evenings. Crash. Vegetate. Go to bed. It's a relentless cycle. I can't blame it all on my day job, though. Other areas of my life seem to be requiring more of me than before, too. Some of it's good stuff, too. It's just that managing this maze of my life has made me weary. (For the record, please don't read into this that I don't like my job.)
I used to spend a lot more spare time reading. All of that focused time kept my creative juices going and inspired so many of my blog posts. I still read, but not as much as before. I even get inspiration for writing. Yet those moments of inspiration seem to come to me when I don't have time to write them down or develop them. I think to myself that I'll write it down as soon as I get a chance. Then something happens and I forget.
I also did a lot of journaling in the past year, recording spiritual events so that I wouldn't forget. That journal is a wonderful keepsake of the way God has worked in my life. I haven't written in that journal for the past two months. So you see, I'm not really sure whether to call it a dry spell or a huge disruption.
I'll be honest. I can look back now and see that some of this started shortly after coming to the realization that a door to one part of my life had been closed. It brought me to a point where I questioned the purpose of many things that occurred in my life during the past year. Why did all these things happen which were leading me in one direction suddenly come to a startling halt? Did I miss something? What did I do wrong? What did you do, God? I went through the gammut of emotions as I processed these thoughts. Besides talking to God about them, I even talked to trusted friends. There are no answers at this time. Just more questions. One thing has not changed, though. I still trust God. Oddly enough, I probably trust Him now more than ever. After the events He's brought me through, I've really learned how much God loves me and wants the best for me. How can I not trust Him?
Meanwhile, I've also felt this strong compulsion to keep writing. But, with this disruption...What's a girl to do? Hmmm. I know I've got to find the time to do it. The Lord keeps showing me over and over than I need to share through writing.
The writer of Ecclesiastes tell us that there is "A Time for Everything." I'm sure you're familiar with these words...
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven. (Ecc. 3:1)
There's a really great song from the 1960s based on these verses. Time truly is in God's hands. He is in control. Probably less familiar is the entire book of Ecclesiastes. The writer, Solomon, was a really wise man. Yet he struggled with life, too. "It's all meaningless," he would say. Read what Solomon writes just after the "A Time for Everything" section:
What do people really get for all their hard work?
I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.
He has planted eternity in the human heart,
but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.
So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long
as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor,
for these are gifts from God. And I know that whatever God does is final.
Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people
should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will
happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the
same things happen over and over again.
Even a wise man like Solomon grappled with life. He had riches untold. He ruled in peace as a King like no other has ever known. He was truly blessed by God. I like what Warren Wiersbe says about this book:
"Called a pessimistic book, Ecclesiastes is actually realistic. ...When viewed apart from God ('under the sun'), life is indeed 'vanity' (futility); but when you live for Christ, life is never 'in vain.' ...Six times Solomon advises you to enjoy life now and be grateful for God's gifts." Wiersbe remind us that this is not pleasure-seeking philisophy, but a joyful outlook for believers who accept life as something from God to enjoy.
I feel like I rambled a bit, but just wanted to share a little of what's on my heart. What are you grappling with these days?